FALLING IN LOVE:  signs of falling in love and.. what it really means

Most of us, when searching for love, have felt, at one time or another, so passionately in love that nothing else mattered.  Or we 'just' felt elated, on top of the world, full of energy and life; we felt that we could do anything; we felt attractive, sexy; we lost weight or just looked much better, much more radiant... The list could go on.  

Yes, the emotions, the physical sensations we feel when we are in love (or when we have a strong crush on someone) are fabulous!  We are 'high', literally!  Or, if we are in love with someone who does not feel the same way towards us, we can be in excruciating pain and sometimes we do things to avoid such pain (live in denial, ignore the signs and pretend he/she is interested, try to manipulate the situation to change the outcome, hope tomorrow things will change, or just enter some form of depression, just to name a few);  the same applies to when we are in love with 'the wrong person'. 

Two different situations but, sometimes, the same 'trap'. The searching for love path, unless it's walked whilst taking care of ourselves and following the  N.1 rule , can be paved with traps and hide pitfalls in which we get 'stuck'. 

But what is 'being in love' all about?

♥ SIGNS THAT YOU ARE FALLING IN LOVE 

I will make this brief because I think that most of us know when we are 'in love', or infatuated, or 'raptured' with one person.  It can happen the moment you meet someone, or over time after a period of casual encounters or even some form of friendship;  it's different from being merely attracted to someone.  It's much, much stronger and at that time only that particular person makes you feel that way.  You cannot be truly in love with 2 people at the same time.  After the first few encounters (or even immediately)

♥ you may blush in the presence of that person, you may feel a physical rise in temperature

♥ you may feel a quickened heartbeat, you may feel a surge in energy and indeed, you may both feel a great deal of heightened energy when you are together. 

It's exhilarating.  It's a real 'high'!  Sometimes people are so addicted to such a high that they fall in and out of love quickly only to - consciously or not - experience that high over an over;  I have met people like that and of course they never seem to find true love.  This because true love has nothing to do with this emotional 'high'.  

Further on this infatuation stage

♥ you may daydream about that person, fantasize about your next meeting, replay your last meeting in your mind over and over, listen to happy love songs, listen to his/her last message over an over, re-read his/her emails and so forth.

♥ you may feel anxious before you see him/her, even nauseous (some of us eat much less when we are infatuated!)

♥ you may start to 'dissect' everything he/she says and does in order to find signs of mutual interest.  

I have done this myself many times! There's nothing 'wrong' with this per se, it's part of being infatuated, it's part of the 'high', it's part of falling in love. But, when it begins to take over your life - whilst still wondering or even just hoping that he/she feels the same way - I would recommend to remember the N.1 Rule. Why? Because these sensations are not necessarily a sign that you have 'found love'. They are merely a sign that you are emotionally 'high'. You do not even know if this person is worth pursuing at this stage (if he/she is right for you) because you do not know him/her, and you certainly do not know how you two relate to each other, how you interact, how, if at all, you two may contribute to each other's flourishing. You may find him/her incredibly attractive, sexually and physically so, but that's all at this stage. The more quickly we acknowledge this and are honest about it, the more successful our searching for true love will be.

What may be a good idea is to remeber that sometimes such infatuation is a feeling that has little to do with 'the other', but much more to do with 'ourselves'. I will give you an example, but please realize this is a difficult concept; in the coming weeks I will try and explain it in more detail but for now I'll just give you a simple example, and for this example click here. Moreover, in my opinion, if you follow the N.1 Rule you may not need to know the ins and outs of why we become infatuated with certain people, what is the trigger and weather this trigger came from 'us' or from him/her. You just need to take care of yourself and the rest will follow relatively easily.

If you think you are in love and it's definitely mutual (so you are happily dating, for example), you may wish to read about the three types of romantic relationships we find ourselves in as well as constantly bear in mind what I describe as the N.1 Rule.

If you are in love but are still struggling to figure out his/her feelings, and this has been going on for a while, I'd advise you to read on. Similarly, if you are dating but have strong doubts, or he/she is married, or you're just not happy but rather in pain, read on.

Is he/she into you?  There is plenty of literature illustrating the typical behaviours which would signify that he/she is 'into you' or not. The book 'He's not that into you' by Greg Behrendt is very funny, so there is absolutely no harm in reading it. I am sure it'll be useful in some way. You may find examples which are strinkingly similar to your own situation. But no matter what you read and why, in my opinion, why spend time working out all of the signs, his/her behaviour, trying to figure out what's going on? In my opinion and experience, if you spend time trying to figure out what's going on even before you two are dating, well, it's just a waste of time. You are NOT taking care of yourself.

Another sign that you are definitely wasting time, that you are not searching for love but rather only chasing a 'fix' similarly to the way an addict chases his/her 'fix', is when you spend countless hours working out the body language of the person you are infatuated with.  I found myself doing this several times in my life; I would often read about body language to learn if I could decipher his interest in me through it.  I think I even became a bit of an expert.  I could write quite a bit on body language 'signs' that he/she is attracted to you.  But, again, why would you need to do 'diagnose' your situation this way?  You know, after careful 'study', sometimes I concluded that yes, he  definitely was attracted to me but... So what?  In my experience, when I started wondering about whether he reciprocated my emotions or not, it was always a waste of time and - even if he  was attracted to me or infatuated with me - I should have never pursued that person.  Why?  Because when it started in a complicated manner it always continued to be so;  because a relationship, an encouter worth pursuing is never painful, heartbreaking, 'complicated'.  You may wish to read my  N.1 Rule page to clarify this. 

So, if we are falling in a trap, what should we do? 

If our 'falling in love' is actually painful (either because it's not reciprocated or because it's towards someone who is mistreating us), the only solution is to seek therapy or counseling   (the two of you, if you are in a painful relationship) and not waste much time without action. Action will entail therapy and/or moving on. Therapy will help you understand deeply and helpfully what I will try to, simplistically, describe below. I say this because often, especially if we seem to follow a pattern of falling in love 'with the wrong person', it is a good idea to identify why we do this. The answers may surprise you and allow you to finally find true love or, in other words, fall in love with 'the right person'. 

Move on.  No matter how hard it may seem and feel, if being 'in love' means we are suffering, we must move on, say good-bye, close the door and, if you are ready and willing, resume your love search. If you need a few tips on how to 'move on' more quickly, click here.  As I mentioned above, the only alternative to moving on is to seek therapy. Oh, well, you may think, not much of a revelation, is it? I want to be near this person, I want to see him/her, smell him/her, fantasize about him/her, and so on, and it's not that easy to 'move on'. Moreover, there are many works of art which were inspired by unrequited love or 'painful' love. But, do you want to suffer because you can share it through your art? Well, even if you do, immediately after you have written/painted your work of art, MOVE ON!

Let's be really honest: why on earth would we want to keep being in pain? If she/he does not love us, there is NO reason to keep the feeling alive. You must understand, therefore, that 'that' feeling is not 'useful'* and you must let it go. I used to be stuck on those 'useless' feelings for weeks and even months. I wasted so much time! After therapy I realized that, although I could still enjoy a crush, I could still have misplaced feelings of enamourment towards someone who wasn't going to be my boyfriend (not now, not ever), I would not get 'stuck' in them. I would enjoy the 'thrill' if I wanted to but, as soon as I realized it wasn't going anywhere and it may indeed interfere with my life and my real searching for love, I cried for a few minutes and then, moved on. I will share with you a ridiculous (but so very true) story of what happened to me the last time I was infatuated with the wrong guy, so that I can illustrate these points more clearly; if you want to read it, go here.

If the above is enough for you to 'get it', that's fantastic. It was, luckily, enough for me (I just wish I'd have known much earlier in my life). Once I applied the 'useful' vs. 'useless' concept (which my last therapist instilled in me, by the way), I began to understand what was good and what was bad for me, including people, situations, romantic as well as non-romantic relationships.

If you want to go 'deeper', I can give you a basic glimpse of what may be happening when you are 'in love' but suffering. 

1 - the person you are 'in love' with may have triggered a memory or a feeling from the past (as early as your childhood) which you may be 'stuck' on. As a basic example, she/he may subconsciously remind you of your beloved father/mother or, on the other hand, have behave in a way that is similar to how your mother/father behaved towards you (negatively or positively, it does not matter) and, for complex reasons, you go back to this over and over by seeking closeness to this person you think you are in love with.

or 

2 - He/she is, in your eyes, very attractive, in a way that you can't ignore nor overlook. There are many reasons why we find certain people irresistible, and I will write more about this in the coming weeks. You must recognize however that it's an initial trigger and, unless it's accompanied by real compatibility and unless this person is 'useful'* (please beware that I use this term in a VERY DIFFERENT way from its common meaning, see here), it is NEVER a reason per se for starting a romantic relationship with someone.

or 

3 - You may have created an image of ideal companion in your mind and transferred it onto the person you think you are in love with, in a way which has nothing to do with what that person is really like, feels or thinks.

or 

4 - You may have misplaced certain feelings away from someone else who could not reciprocate your feelings (or is unavailable for whateve reason) initially onto someone who may remind you of the first person in some way;  the second person may be more 'accessible' and therefore becomes the substitute target.  I will give you an example of this and if you wish to read it click here. 

The above four points, which are by no means exhaustive,  highlight what is essentially a crucial concept to understand, embrace and carry with you:  sometimes we fall in love with someone for reasons that have NOTHING to do with him/her (so, it's not because he/she is actually a good person or she/he would be great for you and your flourishing); but rather, sometimes it's to do with us and us only.  This is why, in our searching for love, we must concentrate less on 'how he/she makes me feel' and much more on 'is this person contributing to my well-being' in some form or another?  Read more on this  here . 

Yes, falling in love can be exhilarating, and many works of arts have been inspired by this type of feeling. It can be a great driving force to improve ourselves, to find new energy etc. But it cannot be something we depend on.

Love is action. Love is acting lovingly - daily - towards a person and therefore creating and recreating love. By the same token, being loved is receiving acts of love, loving acts constantly.

More on this on 'three types of relationships'.   

*useful - by this word I mean contributing to your life and well-being, to your physical, mental, emotional or spiritual flourishing. Or, providing the necessary emotional comfort which allows you to grow and flourish. When you have a partner or spouse who is 'useful' in this sense, your searching for love is over. You have true love. 

When you are not in love but you think you are: click here.

Body Language Secrets Signs of Attraction: click here.

Does he really love you? To find out, click here.

Does she really love you? To find out, click here 

Are you or your partner falling OUT of love? Click here.

BACK TO Searching for Love HOMEPAGE