My Infatuation Story

an example of when I was NOT searching for true love

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I had just returned from Las Vegas after 3 months of fun, relaxation and 'recharging' there (highly recommened if you don't gamble too much); at home it was finally the end of winter and, where I was living at the time, spring is the absolutely best time to create new personal connections: it finally stops being ridiculously, permanently dark, soaking wet and cold, and the amazing coastal nature all around starts blossoming, inviting us all to go out and smile at the world!

So I did.  I went out and smiled at the world.  I even started using public transport to meet as many people as I could.  I was literally coming out of the winter cave mentality (if you live in a cold, dark and rainy area you will know what I mean!).  I had also acquired a slimmer, more toned figure (thanks to my daily gym visits in Las Vegas) and was happy to 'show it off'.  I was searching for love and ready for it!

One day I got on my local bus and was literally 'struck' by the driver, who has the most beautiful smile, great manners and the sexiest face I'd ever seen. 

The moment he said 'hi' to me I felt this incredible rush throughout my whole body;  I found myself stroking my hair as if I were seventeen (what a cliche, women stroke their hair when they are in the presence of the man they are attracted to, but it is SO true!); my body temperature rose quickly and drastically.  I felt some form of 'electricity' running through my body throughout the bus journey.  Wow!  I am not sure I'd ever felt such a physical reaction before when attracted to someone, but it was definitely very powerful!

I kept on looking at him directly and through his front mirror, I felt as if I were about to 'explode'! 

What a high that was!  Needless to say, I wanted to see him again the next day, and the next day, and anytime I could, really.  I found myself studying the bus schedule so that I could try and match my travel schedule with his route!  And, let me tell you, I am not seventeen!  I am a fully fledged, mature (but not old!) woman!  However, I was acting like a semi-obsessed teenager and  the 'high' I was feeling was so powerful that it completely clouded my judgement.  It often is the case, isn't it?   

So, I kept on seeing him on the bus and I kept on feeling this amazing 'high', this rush, these 'butterflies' in my stomach.  He seemed to be pleased to see me so I was very, very cheerful. I never even thought that he may not be emotionally available. 

One of the things I really liked about him, as I was observing his every move whilst driving (I am blushing just admitting it), was that he didn't seem to flirt with anybody (unlike other drivers) and he didn't seem to 'stare' at any exposed cleavage, naked legs that was often being presented to him. (Don't you dislike it when you're talking to a guy, or he's just in your presence and he seems unable to take his eyes off some exposed cleavage, legs or just well-formed young body? I'm telling you, I find it disrespectful no matter what a 'liberated' woman is supposed to think!)

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I liked his mannerism, I liked his big eyes, I loved his smile, I noticed he was taking great care of himself, I loved his voice and his eloquence.  There was nothing that he could do wrong!

Now, let's stop for a minute.  Did I actually know this guy?  Absolutely not.  Did I conclude that he was merely being professional at his job and that's that?  No, of course not.  As we often do when we're infatuated with someone, I interpreted every word, every gesture as a sign that he was 'worthy'.   And, although I had absolutely no real evidence for it, I assumed he would be interested in me just because his body language, as experts tell us, was such that he displayed all the characteristics of being attracted to me.

This went on for some time, and I was beginning to feel a little bit of 'nausea' when I knew I was about to see him;  I have read that this is a sign of anxiety, sometimes due to the fact that we don't really know how we are 'received' by the person we are infatuated with.  Basically, we don't really know if our feelings are mutual, even if we tend to read any sign as proof that they are, indeed, mutual. 

The crumbs of my brain which had remained functional, despite the emotional takeover, were telling me that something was 'up'.  Why on earth had he not made a move, why had he not invited me out for a coffee or even the most innocent of events?  I was too 'grown-up' to ignore this and to give myself naive excuses, such as

- he's shy

- he can't ask me out because he's working

- he can't ask for my number because he's working

 

etc

Luckily, because I wasn't completely inept and I knew life is precious and my time is also important, I decided I'd find out if he was really interested in me.   One evening, after a very cheerful chat between us, I handed him a note with my phone number just before leaving.

Did he call?  No, of course.

Did I spend one week wondering why?  Yes, of course. 

Now, those of you who have read the book 'He's not that into you' know that when a guy does not call you, it's time to move on, unless later on you find out that he was either in hospital or in jail (and if it's the latter, absolutely MOVE ON!).  But because he was still driving the bus (therefore alive and well and not in jail), I knew I had to face the music.

Luckily, to put me completely out of my misery, a week later he thanked me for the number and proceeded to inform me that he was married.  Ah, so that was the reason!  Fair enough, and that was it.

I was numbed for a day, I was miserable and irritable for one week.  I think I even cried for a few minutes.  My world of excitement, sensuality and passion had collapsed.  The 'high' was over.  Now it was emotional 'cold turkey' time, and it was awful. 

A great book about love reviewed here

A list of great self-help material is here

  I am happy to say that at that stage of my life (because I'd learnt what searching for love means) I was able to realize that I was sad because I was mourning the loss of the 'high', but that the whole experience had little to do with him and everything to do with me.  I did NOT know him, and that crush was either a mere chemical response to him or a psychological one (see 'Falling in Love'?).  Either way, it had nothing to do with the person he was.

As time went by, ironically, he increasingly demonstrated his interest, sometimes delightfully, but acting upon it was always going to be problematic because he is married.  I put a stop to it because of the situation being complicated (to say the least), and avoided him altogether.   I finally decided that I was searching for love, not just a 'high'.  But not just that: even if our feelings were meaningful, which I am sure they were in some way, I finally applied the 'useful vs. useless' rule and concluded that, pursuing this 'love' was not the best thing for ME.  Ironically, once I understood that very point, my feelings subsided and I was able to function in my daily life again without thinking about him a hundred times!

Of course, I still remember him with a smile and I wish him well in his love search. 

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